Dadding Dudes

4. Avoid sexual misconduct.

My mom may be reading this, so I won’t get into details, but I have done some seriously stupid things in my life while lust served as my guide. I hurt others, I was careless and crude, I hurt myself as well. It would have been easier if I had better guidance at the time.

My boys are teenagers now, and we have touched on the issue of sexual misconduct on a few occasions. Naturally, they’re not eager to discuss sex with the old man, but I think that they grasp the basics: Sexual misconduct means any sexual act that hurts, or may hurt another person.

The 4^th humanistic precept tells us this: Before following our wild instincts, we should ask ourselves if anybody may get hurt as a result. This relates directly to our sexual partners, but extends far beyond them to ours, and their families, friends, other people we or they may be involved with, and, last but not least, ourselves: Are we ready for this? May we potentially get hurt?

This definition of a wrong sexual act includes scenarios that are too many to describe, but there’s really no need to. This is simply about not committing an act that may hurt others, and it is in accordance with the first precept, which deals with not harming other beings. If you teach children from a tender age to be nice to others, avoiding sexual misconduct later in life should come naturally to them.

So the question is, why dedicating a whole rule just for sex? We probably all know the answer… but I’ll spell it out anyway, just in case: Our sex drive is a force that can overpower our better judgment, and shatter our values. It’s called a drive for a reason. It deserves its own precept.

Being a humanist involves understanding human nature, and the ways that our brain works. The powerful force that lust and passion have over us at times are not our fault, and are no sin or something to be ashamed of. We’re built this way, and it has worked so well for us as a species, that now there are over seven billions of us on this planet. (Perhaps it worked too well, but that’s a topic for another time.)

Realizing the overpowering nature of our sex drive does not, of course, give us a license to blindly follow it. Only when our actions are harmless are we to obey the call of nature.

A few words about safe sex: STD’s are harmful; unwanted/unplanned pregnancies are extremely painful and difficult, regardless of the final outcome. Practicing safe and protected sex is a health issue, but it is a moral one as well.

Parents are often encouraged to talk to their children about drugs and alcohol abuse. Discussing sex, and sexual misconduct is just as important. As uncomfortable as some people may be around these issues, the consequences of neglecting one of the most powerful internal forces that children will encounter in their lives, may be even less pleasant.

I’m no big drinker, but a few years ago I got into tasting the variety of our area’s locally made wines. One day I am at the very busy Saturday farmers’ market with Dude2, who was about 7 or 8 at the time. As I engage in sampling a new Chardonnay, the little dude blurts in his squeaky voice, “Daddy, you’ve been drinking a lot of wine lately.” Everything stops. Heads turn. I choke on my wine and cough. People nod their heads, pitying the small child who has just lost his innocence realizing that his father is a hopeless alcoholic.

As much as I want to wring his sweet little neck, I manage a convoluted smile, mumble something like, “No I don’t,” and pull him away from the crowded booth. He doesn’t understand what just happened.

The problem was that he was simply stating a fact. It was true that I’ve been drinking more wine lately. But he didn’t have the skills to not embarrass his old man in public. He didn’t know how to lie yet.

The third humanistic guideline is about the way we express ourselves verbally. It clearly states, “Do not lie,” though we all lie a lot, so there’s a need for some elaboration here. Concealing and altering the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, is something grownups do to protect their privacy, to maintain societal civility, and to be kind to others. White lies are a necessity of life, sometimes keeping our mouths shut is another.

Teaching children about the intricacies of truth-telling is complex, and takes years, but it’s easier than the other part of rule #3, which is about not using speech in a harmful manner.

“Use your words! Don’t hit your brother! Talk to him.”

How many times have you said those words to your children?

The assumption is that verbal communication is safer, kinder, and more effective than a punch in the face. And in almost all situations this is true, but it does not mean that words don’t have the power to create severe damage. In fact, when it comes to parenting, the power of words turns into a super power. A hurtful statement from a parent to a child goes deep into the darkest chambers of the heart, where it will take a team of therapists, years of treatment, and a truckload of money to extract and neutralize the poisonous messages. Most of us carry childhood hurts for the duration of our lives.

Learning how to not use speech harmfully is a big challenge in my life. I grew up in a place where quick wit, sharp sarcasm, and verbal punching were essential survival tools, and, with my shoelace physique, I became quite good at defending myself with words. Today, one of the main complaints I hear from my children and my wife, is that I express myself too harshly, pulling out the big guns when a gentle caress would do better.

The list of my verbal sins is long: sarcasm, teasing, raising my voice, mumbling disagreements under my breath, using passive-aggressive silence to express my anger, not thinking before I speak, trying too hard to be funny… There’s probably quite a few more items that my family would be happy to add, but to hell with them. This is my goddamn blog! They can start their own if they want to. MyDadSucks.com. Whatever. I don’t care.

Rightful speech is an art that I’m yet to master. Too harsh and I’m a rude ass; too controlled and I sound like a robot on Prozac. It’s an ongoing struggle for me, and an area where I may be teaching my children how to NOT be, more than how to be.

But at the core of humanism is mindfulness. I always try to be aware of my failures, come back and apologize, own my personality faults, and apologize for my shortcomings. Children are incredibly forgiving, wives not so much. My inability to shut up has gotten me into trouble with my beloved so many times, that we’ve learned how to deal with it better over the years. She still gets upset with me on occasion, but it’s nothing that a nice glass of Chardonnay can’t resolve. At least when I drink, I can’t talk.  

2. 

   
    Do not steal, or take what has not been freely offered to you: Secular Humanistic Parenting

 We all know that stealing is a no-no, yet, especially with children, the urge may sometimes seem stronger than the taboos and laws against it. I shoplifted as a kid a few times. I even got caught once. The old grocery-shop owner spotted me with my hand literally in the cookie jar, and was not amused. He grabbed me by the wrist, yelled “Get out of here, thief, and never come back!” and then tossed me out the door while the other shoppers watched and shook their heads. Not a recommended experience.

 Greed is a powerful force in us.

 If you ever watched toddlers engaged in their parallel play, you certainly noticed how they shamelessly steal from each other. Little Jane shoves little Johnny, grabs his shiny red ball, and pays no heed to his screams of protest. Mommy rushes in, red-faced, apologizing, thinking, Whats wrong with little Jane? She must be taking after her father… It takes time to develop the concept of right and wrong, mine vs. not-mine. Some people never get it.

Yet most of us eventually learn that stealing is bad, and that it comes with an unpleasant punishment, especially if you get caught. But when it comes to “What has not been freely offered to us,” the boundaries of mine and not-mine can be blurry, the rules not as clear. This is where humanistic parenting can provide some guidelines.

There are many situations in our daily lives when we are required to make decisions and judgments in a gray area, where the rules of morality can go either way. It happens when we drive in traffic, when we shop, at work, school, wherever there’s constant interaction and friction with other people.

Discussing the countless possible human conflicts and how to resolve them, would make this a long and boring post. Instead, I fall back on the Golden Rule. It is a never-failing guideline, mentioned in all major religions, stated in the Hebrew and Christian bible, Buddhist scripture, the Koran, and more. The Golden Rule is about empathy and kindness, about not doing to others what you would not like done to you, about compassion and mindfulness.

When teaching and discussing this morality with children within the Secular Humanistic context, there is, of course, no punishment from high heaven for not obeying the rule. But, since we are evolutionarily wired to function as social creatures, acting generously toward others, and without overstepping the boundaries of theirs vs. ours, rewards us with a sense of inner-calm, and helps others to trust us. Conversely, when acting unkindly, grabbing and succumbing to greed, we end up feeling bad about ourselves, and create an atmosphere of mistrust around us. Others will not like us, but even worse, we will not like ourselves.

The power of greed, when tamed and controlled, can be a very useful motivational force. We can use it to improve our situation in life, to grow, and expand, and make things better around us. But we have to be cautious and mindful to not hurt others on our way to fulfill our desires. For all the cookie jars in the world, it’s not worth it.

1. Do not knowingly and needlessly kill, or harm other beings.

 For my 12th birthday, and after begging for a long time, I got a BB gun. At first I practiced target shooting at a local hilly area near my home, but soon I moved to living things. I killed a turtle, who died quietly with a strange hiss. I killed a sparrow, and its flock dived down for some long minutes to check on it as it fluttered on the ground, until they finally gave up. I will regret these childish acts of ignorant violence for the rest of my life. Soon after the sparrow incident I put the gun away, and never touched it again.

Not harming others is a basic foundation of any moral system. In the old testament’s ten commandments it is stated as “Do not commit murder,” in the Buddhist five precepts it is the first directive on the list. It would be hard to imagine a manual of moral values that does not include a rule against harming others. But when it comes to the definition of “harm,” or that of “other beings,” there is a wide range of interpretations. As parents we should decide what we instruct our children. Since what we do is what we teach, it means we first have to decide what we stand for.

I once knew a Buddhist who would not drive his car at night on account of the bugs that are killed as they smash against the headlights. Another friend is a devout vegan, and does not eat honey because collecting it hurts the bees. The concept of not harming is complex; one can easily take it to extremes. The only way to have no negative impact on the environment is to roll over and die. And even then your decomposing body can still do some damage. Directly or indirectly, we harm the world around us every moment of our lives.

So when it comes to my own life, and to my parenting, I try to keep it reasonable, and to make up for my harmful acts by some positive ones. These are the outlines of what I’ve been teaching the boys:

Do not resort to physical violence in conflict resolution.
Avoid acts that may put others in harm’s way, even when the intention is playful.
When it comes to self-defense, try to avoid violence, but protect yourself and others when you are in danger. This goes for individuals as it does for societies and countries.
Not harming other beings includes self. This is reflected in the right for self-defense, and it is also valuable when making decisions related to one’s diet. As a species we evolved as hunters and gatherers, eating animal meat to sustain our lives. Today there are other options, and some people choose to be vegetarian or vegan, but those who don’t are not all heartless and cruel. I had been a pescetarian for many years, but recently started eating meat for health reasons; Dude2 has been a vegetarian since he realized what “chicken” meant; his older brother loves his meat. It’s all fine if you do it with mindfulness and reason.

At home we almost exclusively eat animals that were raised locally, treated humanely, and fed a proper diet. We find factory farming violent and harmful toward the animals, the environment, and the people who eat the products. This is where we draw the line.
As there is no practical way to avoid harm by our mere existence, try to make up for it by doing some good. Be kind; reduce, reuse, recycle; be mindful of the consequences of your actions.

The core of Humanism is innate human intelligence and reasoning. It is not about rigid rules, but about intention, mindfulness, and good sense. If I succeed to teach the boys to not harm themselves, other people, other beings, and the planet, then I did good. Exactly how to execute these intentions is complex, and affected by many factors that they’ll have to reevaluate and reexamine throughout their lives. I never said being a humanist was easy. May all turtles and sparrows be safe from harm.

The old saying that there are no atheists in the trenches is a load of baloney. In fact, I spent some time in a trench, which was actually more of a shallow fox hole that I dug hastily with a folding shovel, more suitable for building sand castles on the beach than protecting a man from deadly artillery fire. I burrowed in the dimple that I made in the ground, listened very carefully to the distant booms that came from the bad guys’ side of the battle field, and then eagerly anticipated the familiar whistle in the sky, which meant that the flying object of destruction has passed over my head, to touchdown elsewhere. When I didn’t hear the whistle following the exit-boom, I planted my face into the rocky soil with my arms protecting the sides of my body, my hands covering my ears, and waited for it to be over.

Sometimes it came, sometimes it didn’t, but I’m here to tell you that not even once did I plead with a divine providence to save my young soul; it didn’t even cross my terrified mind to pray. I was only 19, and probably didn’t even know the word, but I was an atheist regardless, and in a foxhole of all places.

So what does this have to do with dadding the dudes?

In the 30 odd years that have passed since my pants pissing paratrooper days, I have formed a few opinions (some would say way too many) and became more aware of what I do and don’t believe in. And when I became a father of two curious little guys who made it a habit to ask many big questions, I had to dig deeper, and come up with some answers. There are many ways I could answer the big existential questions, but the ideas that describe my life-philosophy best are those expressed in Secular Humanism.

In these posts I will try to describe the issues involved with teaching the principles of Secular Humanism to children, the ways I do it, and the challenges that it presents.

But first, a short description of my take on Secular Humanism (SH): SH takes it a step farther than atheism, which by definition is merely a rejection of a belief in the existence of a deity. SH is not only about what you do NOT believe. It sets some core moral values that provide guidance in a person’s life, not unlike all major religions do, but without the fear of hell, or the reward of heaven. To be a Secular Humanist you must be, if not an atheist, at least seriously agnostic about deities of all varieties. On the other hand, you can be a complete atheist without being a humanist. If your parents only told you that there is no god and you can do whatever the hell you want as long as you don’t get caught, then you may grow up to be a conscienceless bastard that everybody hates, and an atheist, too. I have heard many times the view that a serial killer can be an atheist on good standing. It’s probably true, and since I want the dudes to choose a better career than that, I find SH the next logical step. It talks about what to be, as opposed to what not to be.

The views on humanism and SH are many. You’d expect that from a bunch of free thinkers. I just want to touch on five basic guiding principles that I try to maintain in my life. These principles are closely related to the five Buddhist precepts, which is not surprising, as Buddhism in its purest form is not a god-based religion but a philosophy of life, where answers to the big question are found inside us humans, not within a deity. When the dudes had their (secular and humanistic) bar mitzvah celebrations, I gave them a framed print of the five principles to hang over their beds.

The five principles are:

1. Do not knowingly and needlessly kill, or harm other beings.

2. Do not steal, or take what has not been freely offered to you.

3. Do not lie, or use speech in a harmful manner.

4. Avoid sexual misconduct.

5. Avoid drugs and intoxicants.

The list is quite formidable, almost biblical. There is no way I know of discussing moral issues and behavior guidelines without overlapping with religious teachings. It’s okay. There are some wonderful aspects to religion, some wisdom and guidance that it provides, but I will keep the holy spirit out of this discussion, so help me god.

My plan is to devote a short blog post to each one of the five principles on the list, and write about how it’s relating to my version of secular parenting.